I remember starting the year on a very positive note. I basically was in cloud 52 (must it be cloud 9?). 2014 ended well, 2015 came in and I took a major decision.
I was damn too sure about that decision.
You know how sure you are after you buy aso-ebi that you are going to eat small chops at the wedding? Complete one o, not puff-puff. Of which, congratulations to my girl, Brenda Ezinne Idiaye, she got married the traditional way yesterday. (I’m sorry I couldn’t make it). That’s how sure I was but then again, have you ever had to attend a wedding as a member of the bridal train, you think you will be given VIP treatment but you end up joining the ushers and the caterers to either take people to their seats or help people find seats (I wonder why they would come late and still want to go to the front) or you end up serving those aunties that always want only salad and meat.
You get the point abi? That’s how sure I was. Hold that thought first. Let’s continue.
January was good. Then February came and everything turned upside down. I had to leave Lagos for a while so I travelled. (I must say that Nigeria is indeed a beautiful place. Please visit states while you can and go by road please. Not every time flight, flight you will not die! )
Have you ever watched your day unfold without any of your plans actually seeing light of day and you will just be looking like how I’m staring at the rice in front of me and wondering why I can’t eat it after I’ve planned for it?
That was the direction my life was taking.
Leaving Lagos was a very difficult decision but I had to make it. That was when my 2015 started properly.
I had resigned from my job by then and was doing freelancing so I could afford not to be in Lagos. The next five months were one of the most trying months of my growing up life but in these five months I have come to understand, not fully though as I am a constant work in progress so many things I couldn’t figure out before.
You see, in these five months, I learned that people will fail you. Oh yes, they will. People you make plans with. People you admire and respect. They all will fail you. You can’t blame them. You can’t force a person to be what they aren’t so yes dear humans, we fail one another. I have no expectations however from anyone.
I learnt also that family, family is after God, the most important gift we have. Listen, scrap out the ‘family is not about people who share blood bla bla bla’ quote .That shit isn’t true but you don’t have to agree. And unless you have a sorry bunch of people as family members then scrap that thought. (If you have issues with your family members, please try to work it out)
With fear and worry, they let me leave and they gave their unrivaled support. There were nights when I’d speak to my dad and words would fail me because words fail him too, or when my mum would worry but act like she’s OK (sadly, I took this trait very well from her, you can call me Sir Warrior [I have always wanted to say that]) or is it the silent words spoken between my siblings and I? Not because we couldn’t speak but we just knew that it was alright and I was alright.
Love, nothing but pure love is what a family gives. (Wizkid should have used this instead of ‘joy’, tell him to holla at me for the remix).
My family moved mountains for me.
I’m always grateful for the people I call friends. I wouldn’t want to say much but I like to think that friends are an extension of yourself spread out into different people and personalities. I mean the personalities you are sure defines you but it’s in another human’s body.
For instance, you know how you have a little bit of don jazziness in you but are friends with him instead so you let him be don jazzy? That’s I what I mean. (I’m talking about me here o)
Most importantly, I learnt to trust God and let him lead.
Whenever I have problems and I get into panic mode, I came up with a thought that I read to myself.
I thought I’d share with you;
‘At first you wonder if you are wrong to be you. If you are wrong to be different and then you realize that ‘I want to be different’ and so you walk away from everything and let him (God) lead instead because you are human and it’s OK to be vulnerable’.
It made trusting him easier for me
I learnt also to believe in myself. To believe in the totality of the imperfection of my individuality and know that it’s OK to be vulnerable because I am human and regardless of how people may perceive me, I am still me, nothing can change that (unless I get married to Don Jazzy or Trey Songz or Drake then I will become Mrs. _____ (please insert one of the names here).
By mid-year, in august, I had to restart. I made a decision that living was more important than existing so I chose to restart. I had to begin again. I had to learn to believe in my ability, in the person that I have been designed to be irrespective of my height. (LOL… I’m sorry I didn’t know what to write there so I wrote height instead)
This year I have had to ask myself; what do I want? who am I? Who should I be? And truth be told I have looked for answers in everything and in everyone and I didn’t get anywhere.
My life is a continuous testimony because God is never late with his blessings. The path to self-discovery has been an amazing one and it has been challenging too!
I have come to the conclusion that the need to be for someone else is exhausting. I’d rather we live. We would be free.
I look back and I don’t even count my blessings. I mean why bother? When I’d lose count before I get half way? I mean, where do I start from?
Next year I’d be hitting a major age and it’s a big deal!
Am I scared as hell? Yes!
Will it stop me? Hell No.
Will I continue to eat pizza? Yessss!!
Will I find bae? I don’t know (Please how did that question get here? (Bae, better don’t let me look for you abeg the way mummy is looking at me these days.)
That reminds me (insert sound for effect), why some people won’t let the past just stay in the past is what I don’t understand biko.
Wait, wait let me explain what I mean. I used to be skinny with big eyes (Bisi, help me thank your mother for the reminder) and small bum (not like my bum is bigger, there’s work in progress) but some of you won’t just let it go! Don’t you see how much effort I’m putting? There’s a bump in the back now and there’s flesh on the cheeks, biko let the past be the past!
(Oya remove sound effect) You and I know that is not what I want to say but what I’m trying to say is this, people change, people make decisions, situations affect decisions which gives rise to change so don’t see a person for who they used to be, what they used to be or who they used to be to you or for you. That I like ice-cream today doesn’t mean I’d like it tomorrow (Tufiakwa! God forbid! This is an example o! I love ice-cream till eternity) If someone has moved on, you too move away, move on or just shuuuuu away!
And for those whose past yielded into a result or a consequence for instance you have a kid, a scar, whatever it is, listen up. The world has not ended so that doesn’t mean you should end your life or halt happenings in your life. It could actually be an avenue for you to start again, to set your paths straight and put your priorities right and each time you are reminded with the past, hunnay look at it in the eye and reassure yourself that you won’t be held back by it but instead you are going to be good or be better like Mtn even though by better they mean barring people’s lines (is it not funny how they claim not to have your details yet they have details to send you those painful painful messages that I always confuse with my credit alert? I have about 30something of them!). Anyways, you get what I mean right?
2016 is going to be a great year! Dayum!! So much will happen. The year is so bright like my Grace Addo’s nose (you know you still love me). The only thing I fear is the way my nieces behave, I swear I was a quiet child and I was very very sweet and all of that but the way they are behaving is just too scary I live in constant fear! They are too smart! I fear what my kids will do to me.
Another fear I have is that I’ll soon run out of reasons to give my mother each time I see her and she asks me where ‘he’ is (please bae, biko can you come here already?) and lastly, I fear that I would be farther from Iya silifa’s amala more than I was this year.
Can you believe I haven’t eaten her amala in ages???
Of which, what are your fears? I’d love to know.
Ehen, all of you that are on my bbm list or whatsapp DON’T TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ON BBM OR WHATSAPP OOOOO! THERE IS A SPACE FOR COMMENTS HERE BIKO (I know some of you will still not hear word)
My name is mariechidi, I’m imperfect, I’m human and I’m a happy girl. ( although I’m still sad about my breakup with trey songz, even though he came all the way to see me we just had to split but that doesn’t mean I should catch you putting up his picture as your dp).
That’s me watching you.
I was going to tell you my resolutions for tomorrow but I’m hungry. I’ll tell you tomorrow. (That’s a lie)
occasional Magic Moments, (I don’t know them in Igbo jare)
happiness and sunshine to you in the New Year (not the Lagos sunshine o).
Stay relevant. (For example, follow my blog, subscribe to notifications for my posts, follow me on Instagram @mariechidi, I post a lot of poetry there and so that you can see my face basically).
Thank you for listening to my speech.
Image by @adebhayour and other images were taken with my almost awesome phone.
© 2015 MarieChidi
PS In the process of writing this piece, (Wednesday morning) I had not eaten amala in a while.
While editing (afternoon of the same day), I stopped for an amala treat with grace.
I’m so excited!
I completed the piece this morning. Don’t know why I’m giving you this information.