Earlier this year, I think around my birthday, I prayed for a miracle. I got something that looked like a miracle- it was to me at that time. Fast forward to some four months after, I soon learned what a not-a-miracle looked like. Everything came before me: what I wanted and the idea of what I wanted. I struggled with the idea of what I wanted until it soon faded. It was an idea, not reality. Thankfully, what I wanted was still around. It took a while getting used to it. Sometimes I would be sure this was it and on other days, I was damn sure this was a mistake but somehow, it was always there.
The knowing that the thing which I thought was my miracle had gone killed me silently. I refused to see possibilities of a better option and when better options came, I figured it is the same as the last so I just forgot about it.
I carried on this attitude with me for the most part of the year. If something wasn’t what I thought it was, sulk till you tire Chidi and when something else comes, give yourself the reason you always gave- it is the same as the last. There’s no point trying to see if this would work.
A lot of us did this. Whenever something didn’t go our way, every other thing/person could go to hell. We would then resist other options because we felt nothing else was good enough.
One of the many and hardest things I have had to learn about growing up (stop rolling your eyes, I am still growing) and I am still learning is that you will have to make certain decisions on your own. The days of having your mother decide for you or the times when you had to call your best friend so the two of you can sample a situation have faded. Who would have told me that I will have to pick between two green shoes when I actually came to buy the red shoes?
Too many times I have had to make decisions and I tell you it hasn’t been easy but somehow I made them. I guess it is part of adulting.
That is not a problem.
The problem however is the decisions I refused to make. What of the decisions I refused to make?
This one haunts a lot. I have struggled with deliberate indecision for the most part of the year. A lot of us have too (hold my hand now will you…*singing MJ’s ‘you are not alone’*). You know when you are at a crossroad and you need to decide if it’s left or right but instead you just stand at the center and refuse to do nothing? You just stand. No matter the persuasions or the forces, you just stand.
In everything, I have figured there was only one thing that stood in the way of my indecisiveness- FEAR.
Fear of the known and worse, of the unknown.
Let me give you an instance- I told myself this year I will network more. I will attend more events that are in sync with my art, I will make more friends. Asides from the fact that I have a very busy schedule as regards work which hardly gives me time, I can count how many of these events I have attended when I had the chances to.
You see, I like to think myself an extroverted introvert. A lot of people will not agree with me. Lol, I don’t blame you, when half of the time you see me; I am busy acting like a bus conductor.
Anyways, I am, believe it or not.
You have no idea how much I have to talk myself into going to these events. At some point, I conditioned my mind that I always had to go with someone (dear male person that I thought was my friend; I actually did want to go out with a friend. No, I wasn’t interested in you. Not at all. I needed company, not sexual hormonal company. Just genuine company. I hope this explains why when you start speaking in tongues, I will just be looking at you wondering if you are ok) and if there was nobody to go with me, I would bail out on myself. It was an easy route for me – nobody to go with.
There were times I made attempts to go but before I even start to make plans, I will talk myself out of it. There were also times I will begin to get dressed but I will keep telling myself, ‘you won’t go. There’s no point. Don’t go’. I never went. Other times I will just sit and do nothing about it. A lot of factors affected this but I know deep down most of the time, I fabricated these factors in my head so that my excuse will be concrete. Lol.
What was I afraid of?
What are we afraid of?
A lot of times we let the things we cook up in our heads hold us back from what we should be or who we are. Then we start to give ourselves justifiable reasons why our fear is right. We even go as far as comparing ourselves with other people!
Fear makes us withdraw, it makes us weak. It makes us feel inadequate to ourselves and the more we let fear eat us up the more we feed our minds with negative thoughts of ourselves. We end up destroying our belief in ourselves, mentally, and that is why we will not go beyond the point that we are.
We worry about people judging us. We worry about the past repeating itself. We worry about being up to standard. We worry about not living up to expectation. We seek approval. We seek validation. We let people decide for us. We forget ourselves. We lose out on the good things of life. We lose ourselves.
I am writing on the blog again after a long time. I cannot begin to explain the process to this moment but I am writing.
I am doing it and even though I am doing it afraid, the most important thing is I AM DOING IT.
That thing you keep running away from, the decision you keep refusing to make is still there hanging. No one, not one soul will decide for you. You can’t keep letting past situations or cooked up reasons hold you back. You can’t continue to keep aspects of your life on hold.
You can’t keep holding back. Let go of that fear and make that move. So, yes, do it!
Do it afraid. It will not be easy I can promise you that but you’ll look back and thank yourself eventually.
Make that move.
Just do it! (No, I am not advertising for Nike but please help me tell them it won’t be a bad idea ).
Go ahead and drop your comment. I AM WATCHING YOU. (to think that I thought we have passed this stage together after all we have shared? Oya, I am not proud. Please drop your comment.